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Asshole Spammer Lawyer Friday

Aug 12, 2011
By .
Irksome

It's time to name and shame some scummy attorney comment spammers: that subset of the legal profession that either (a) thinks that comment spam is an appropriate way to market legal services, or (b) thinks that it isn't necessary to supervise marketeers. Both sentiments are wrong. A lawyer who thinks that leaving unwanted, irrelevant advertising on strangers' blogs reflects well on him is a jackass with poor judgment, and it's dangerous to hire a lawyer with poor judgment. A lawyer who thinks that she need not supervise how she is marketed by marketeers soon discovers that when you outsource your marketing, you outsource your ethics and your reputation.

This week's contestants:

1. The wig-wearers of Havillands & Co. Solicitors. They are the English kind of solicitors, not the prostitute kind, despite their having spammed us with six bloody pages of linkspam. What's their approach to the law:

Irrespective of the type of case and the stress involved, we go all the way if we are confident justice needs to be done.

How . . . very comforting.

2. "KEL Attorneys", the lawyers of Kaufman, Englett and Lynd, PLLC, who have deluged us with dozens and dozens of spam comments. In an effort at innovation, KEL Attorneys link their spam to pages about them or mentioning them rather than directly to their website. If your web site was as overpoweringly dull and generic as theirs, you might prefer to link to various yahoo! pages as well.

3. Mitchell & Mitchell, a Tennessee firm specializing in auto accidents and divorce, which is particularly useful if you run over your spouse in your car and he or she just stop giving you shit about it:

Mitchell & Mitchell provides high quality legal services to individuals, families, and businesses while specializing in divorce and auto accidents.

The implication is that when they work on anything else, they are strictly ass.

4. McAfee Law Offices, a California bankruptcy firm. Spammers are ethically bankrupt, so that fits.

5. Matorell Law, the firm of Frederick J. Matorell, who does not know the difference between a blog and a clumsy, butt-ugly SEO optimization page.

6. Hargrove & Associates, a personal injury firm, the chief selling point of which appears to be that its lawyers will drive to see you. Just say "outcall" and save some space, guys.

All of these firms, either through deliberate fuckwittery or abject failure to supervise marketeers, has sent us unwanted and unwelcome comment spam. Shame on them.

My typical offer stands: I will remove any name if the spammer (1) sincerely apologizes for his or her own spamming, if it was deliberate, or (2) publicly throws his or her marketeer under the bus.

Last 5 posts by Ken White

8 Comments
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8 Comments

  1. David  •  Aug 12, 2011 @5:20 pm

    …publicly throws his or her marketeer under the bus.

    … and divorces him!

  2. Nearly Legal  •  Aug 12, 2011 @5:24 pm

    Well, as a Brit, it is incumbent upon me to point out that Havilands & Co consists of two lawyers in Romford, Essex.

    Details via the Law Society here.

    And those two lawyers practice in: Conveyancing residential, Debt and money advice, Family law, Immigration law, Insolvency and bankruptcy, Landlord and tenant – residential.

    What is more they intend to be innovative (and I quote):

    "We intend to be one of the leading firms in the UK to integrate Information Technology on all our cases (case tracker).
    We intend to use our success in this area as a global advantage for a prospective expansion in the future"

    Hurrah for them, I say, despite the non-functioning 'blog' and 'articles" tabs on their site. It is tough using your success as a global advantage, after all. They need our goodwill.

  3. Ken  •  Aug 12, 2011 @5:27 pm

    Nearly Legal, please rest assured I meant no ethnic invective by "wig wearers," just as I mean no offense by other terms such as "crumpet monkeys," just as you mean no offense by terms like "loutish, fatuous Yank."

  4. Nearly Legal  •  Aug 12, 2011 @5:53 pm

    I'd love a wig. Really. I'd love to have the right to ponce around in a slightly smelly and tightly curled periwig. Sex on legs.

    Sadly, only solicitors with higher rights of audience get to wear the horsehair. Otherwise it is just those damn barristers. Even judges go without these days. A poor show, even on a hot day in court.

    I suspect that Havilands haven't been near a wig, or at least a legal one. Still, it is unfair of your fatuous self to mock their global expansion plans. I'm sure that the two of them can competently handle all the business that their spam provides.

    As to loutish, I couldn't comment till I see how you handle a bottle of beer. Obviously, I have my suspicions…

  5. Ken  •  Aug 12, 2011 @5:55 pm

    A warm beer, no doubt. ::shudder::

    Speaking of beer, I very much miss bar towels. I mean, not that I hang in bars any more. But the student tradition of swiping bar towels from different pubs is a fine one. A friend of mine made a spectacular duvet cover out of her collection. I was always too timid to get one.

  6. Old Geezer  •  Aug 12, 2011 @7:31 pm

    "…if we are confident justice needs to be done." IF? So, there are times when they just don't think justice needs to be done.

    Also, I assume some firms do not use the term "outcall" because they do not aspire to the higher ethics implied by its use.

  7. eddie  •  Aug 13, 2011 @4:36 pm

    Re "outcall" – bear in mind that most people aren't familiar with legal jargon.

  8. Charles  •  Aug 13, 2011 @9:32 pm

    "If we don't think justice needs to be done we will fritter away your retainer on beans and toast before telling you that we need to terminate representation."