Lessons Learned From A Lifetime Of Sleazy American Horror Books And Movies
As Halloween is upon us, I thought I'd share this wisdom, which has kept me alive in a world teeming with serial killers, aliens that aren't interested in bringing peace to mankind, backwoods cannibals, and corpses that hunger for the flesh of the living:
- If the sign says, "Last gas for sixty miles," it's time to buy gas.
- Better still, turn around. Drive to the station where the sign says, "Next to last gas for seventy miles".
- Historic anniversaries divisible by five are overrated. If a tragedy occurred ten years ago at the house on Maple Street, mark your calendar to visit on the eleventh anniversary.
- The psychiatrist is not your friend.
- If it sleeps an ancient slumber, don't wake it up.
- Don't go into the cellar.
- Don't get into the shower.
- Don't climb up to the attic.
- If you have to climb up to the attic, don't enter head first.
- I don't care how hungry you are: If a stranger offers you food, don't eat it.
- Bullets cannot stop it.
- Unless they're made of silver. Good luck finding that in nine millimeter.
- Unless bullets can stop it. In that case, aim for the head.
- Large black dogs are nothing but trouble.
- Charming, urbane, vaguely European men of wealth and education are nothing but trouble.
- Pale beautiful women with wide eyes are nothing but trouble.
- "Do not call up that which you cannot put down."
- If you hear a solitary bassoon playing but you're not in a concert hall, stop what you're doing immediately. Walk out of the building slowly, get into your car, drive to the 7/11 and buy a Slurpee. Nothing ever happens at 7/11.
- When you meet a small, precocious child, beat it to death with a hammer. Just in case.
- Rural vacations in mountain cabins are overrated. Miami is warm this time of year.
- If science teaches us anything, it's that there are Things Man Was Not Meant To Know.
- Old, dusty books are dusty for a reason. Who are you to open them up and disturb the dust?
- It's better to build a new house than to buy an old one. New construction keeps the economy strong.
- But do a thorough title search on the land where you build the new house. Just in case.
- "Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you."
Keep these lessons in mind, and you might live to be as old as I am.
Update: LabRat's list is better than mine: "Avoid cornfields and apple orchards at all costs."
Last 5 posts by Patrick Non-White
- Significant Developments In D.C. Anti-SLAPP Law. - June 5th, 2014
- Does The Internet Need A United Nations When It Doesn't Have A First Amendment? - March 24th, 2014
- Fear And Loathing In Falls Church - January 4th, 2014
- Eventually That Animal Is Going To Turn On You, And You're Going To End Up The Victim! - December 5th, 2013
- if you MARRY! like your REPRODUCE! doctor you OBEY! can keep NO INDEPENDENT THOUGHT! your doctor. SUBMIT! if you CONSUME! like your STAY ASLEEP! plan you can WATCH TV! keep it. BUY! period. NO IMAGINATION! - December 4th, 2013