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I Was Once In This Band Called "Metal Warriors". It Was Awesome.

Sep 9, 2010
By .
Effluvia

I miss those days.  Anyway, I'm going to memorialize this Craigslist ad by quoting it, in its entirety, before it becomes just another memory.

BRUTAL DRUMMER SEEKS BRUTAL GUITAR PLAYER (downtown Raleigh)

BRUTAL IS WHAT I WANT. NO COVERS. NO TRIBUTES. NO ROCK. NO PUNK. NO CORE. NO KIDS. NO WEEKEND WARRIORS. IF THIS IS YOUR HOBBY, FUCK OFF, YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. YOU MUST LIVE THIS SHIT EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DAY. DO NOT EMAIL ME TO CHAT ENDLESSLY ABOUT YOUR COVER BAND NEEDING A DRUMMER, FUCK YOU FOR NOT WRITING YOUR OWN GOD DAMNED MUSIC, AND FUCK YOU FOR PROFITEERING OFF OTHERS' CREATIVITY. COME ORIGINAL, COME CORRECT, OR DON'T FUCKING EMAIL ME, I'M TOO BUSY LIVING THE DREAM TO BE BOTHERED BY ANY BULLSHIT AT ALL. EQUIPMENT MUST BE FUCKING LOUD WITHOUT FEEDBACK OR BLOWN SPEAKERS, YOUR GUITAR MUST DOUBLE AS A WEAPON. YOU MUST BE ABLE TO DRIVE YOUR DRUG-ADDLED ASS OVER HERE TO DOWNTOWN RALEIGH WITH YOUR GEAR, AND BE PREPARED TO PLAY FULL ON FOR 2 HOURS OR MORE, OR, ONCE AGAIN, YOU CAN FUCK OFF RIGHT BACK TO THE PRACTICE SPACE, YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH. I NEED TO GET AGGRESSION OUT, AT LENGTH, AND WHILE SMOKING HEAVILY. IF THAT IS A PROBLEM, FUCK OFF. ALSO, NO FUCKING BANDS WITH A HOLE TO FILL. ONCE I FIND THE BRUTAL AS FUCK MOTHERFUCKING GUITAR PLAYER I LIKE, WE WILL FUCKING GO FROM FUCKING THERE…YOUR FIRST EMAIL NEEDS TO INCLUDE MORE THAN 'HEY I'M FUCKING BRUTAL, TOO, CALL ME'. YOU MUST HAVE MP3S, YOUTUBES, OR SOMETHING SIMILAR AVAILABLE FOR ME TO JUDGE BY, AND DON'T THINK SOME FOOTAGE FROM 10 YEARS AGO WILL CUT IT EITHER GRANDPA, RECENT, AND GOOD QUALITY. I MAY CURSE A LOT BUT THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKING DIGITAL AGE AND IF YOU CAN'T PROVIDE SAMPLES, DON'T FUCKING EMAIL ME. IF YOU ARE JUST COMMENTING HOW YOU 'LOVE MY AD' DON'T FUCKING EMAIL ME, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT WHAT YOU THINK, I NEED BRUTAL, MOTHERFUCKERS. DO NOT DISAPPOINT.

Awesome.

Last 5 posts by Patrick

14 Comments
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14 Comments

  1. Keith  •  Sep 9, 2010 @7:18 pm

    Fucking metal. \m/

  2. nitroglycol  •  Sep 9, 2010 @7:51 pm

    Some 18 years ago I was in a record store in Brisbane, and saw a posted ad for a death metal band that cited its influences as something like "Deicide, Cancer, Obituary, Morbid Angel…" etc, followed by "TIME WASTERS GET FUCKED. NO CHRISTIANS". What was equally amusing is that someone else had written on the poster "Love God" etc, as well as adding a couple of Christian rock bands to the list of influences.

  3. Windypundit  •  Sep 9, 2010 @10:03 pm

    Isn't it traditional to end with "NO POOFTAS"?

  4. Ranilen  •  Sep 10, 2010 @12:42 am

    Read the whole thing in Nathan Explosion's voice.

  5. TomH  •  Sep 10, 2010 @4:44 am

    Funny, it's almost the same as my ad for a New York City PI law associate.

  6. Jag  •  Sep 10, 2010 @7:45 am

    "BE PREPARED TO PLAY FULL ON FOR 2 HOURS OR MORE"

    Wow, this guy is hardcore.

  7. Linus  •  Sep 10, 2010 @8:33 am

    It's the asshole in me that reads an ad like that as "HERE IS EXACTLY HOW TO PISS ME OFF". Too vulnerable.

  8. Cackalacka  •  Sep 10, 2010 @8:41 am

    Man, I've got a buddy in NJ who likes to shred and is underwater on his house, and I was thinking this ad would be the perfect vehicle to seal the deal, and drag him down here.

    Alas, the link is now dead. Too bad, this dude is pretty brutal.

  9. Patrick  •  Sep 10, 2010 @11:08 am

    I like that he's "living the dream," even though he's a BRUTAL DRUMMER who can't even hook up (or did he? the ad's down) with a BRUTAL GUITARIST. Dream on dude.

    I suspect he did hook up, because this hasn't made the national blogs (you know which ones I mean) as it should have. The only people writing about him are North Carolina bloggers, most of whom were tipped, as I was, by one very wired-up lady on Facebook. The most prominent bloggers in North Carolina are Ed Cone, Eric Muller (who doesn't blog anymore), and me. That isn't me blowing my own horn. It's a comment about how few North Carolinians blog.

    Apart from the mommybloggers of course, who are legion in North Carolina. But I don't read mommybloggers. That's Ken's job.

  10. Dan  •  Sep 10, 2010 @1:21 pm

    If Kenny Powers played drums, this would be his Craigslist ad

  11. SPQR  •  Sep 10, 2010 @5:06 pm

    Hey, I could do it. I could be BRUTAL.

    Well, if I could play guitar …

  12. RLMullen  •  Sep 10, 2010 @6:17 pm

    A drummer (with equipment) who can't find a band is like a tank in WoW who can't find a raid. Sad… really sad.

  13. Paul Baxter  •  Sep 14, 2010 @11:09 am

    My favorite band joke:

    What do you call a drummer without a boyfriend?

    Homeless

  14. Paul Baxter  •  Sep 14, 2010 @11:10 am

    Er, girlfriend.

    Unless he's a gay drummer I suppose.

    (I hate it when I screw up a joke)