If John Fitzgerald Page Did Not Exist, It Would Be Necessary For The Internet To Invent Him
Why are we here? I can't say. I certainly don't know why I am here. I don't know why you are here. It's a big philosophical mystery.
However, I think we can all get behind the concept that some people are here just to entertain us — some by design, some by character.
John Fitzgerald Page is such a man.
Surely you remember John Fitzgerald Page. He's the guy dubbed "the worst person in the world" back in 2007 when he reacted to a rejection on an online dating site with a freakish narcissistic rant. It went down like this: a girl saw John's picture on Match.com and sent him a "wink", he responded with a breathtakingly self-absorbed discussion of himself, and she backed off. John was incensed that she failed to recognize his sheer awesomeness:
I think you forgot how this works. You hit on me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards – not vice versa. 6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!
So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!
Ladies! What a catch!
Anyway, John became the butt of internet-wide ridicule, and widespread exploration of his hilarious IMDB entry, his hideous fashion choices, and his general social dysfunction. He milked it for every nanosecond of his fifteen minutes that he could before slipping beneath the waves of inane net chatter into damp, douchey obscurity.
But you can't keep a good demented attention whore down. John Fitzgerald Page is back with a vengeance — and he's angry.
Because some 19-year-old called him out on a scam.
See, Page has parlayed his vast Industry experience — ranging from playing an uncredited "Bookstore Patron" in Halloween II to playing a waiter in Van Wilder: Freshman Year — to open a rather alarmingly creepy modeling agency. If you are a profoundly unlikable narcissist with a crippling charisma deficit and an ego more inflated than the Elephant Man's ball sack, that's probably a great way to communicate with attractive women in ways that don't culminate in you being maced. Anyway, some 19-year-old model-wannabe sent a reply-all to his weekly email to his client list, pointing out that Page was simply cutting and pasting previously published casting calls.
Page didn't like that. So he indulged in hilarious legal posturing giving them three increasingly dire options and a deadline.
1) APOLOGIZE. I need a full, heartfelt, detailed apology, which I will send to all affected talent. You had nothing to lose by working with me, and everything to gain. If I made you $100 this year, you were up $100!
2) Pay me $1000 settlement EACH by Sunday at midnight. This is to make up for commissions lost today and in the future, by you actively revealing my business sources to my talent. And your attempt to damage my reputation, question my intelligence and reduce my talent pool. Also, my name or my business name is never to cross your lips again.
3) On Monday, I will begin the legal process to sue you both for the sum of $100,000 for defamation of character, libel, slander, current and future loss of income & talent pool. I will probably win an out of court settlement from you for $10K each pretty easily, based on the emails you each wrote that I have forwarded to my counsel.
. . .
My legal team is prepared, I expect to hear from you ASAP about which option you want to explore. You stood your ground as tiny mouse against a cat, now that you recognize that cat is a mountain lion, maybe you will come to your senses.
Page further threatened the 19-year-old that he would pursue her to the very end of the world, and that the fact she would be traveling soon did not matter:
"I can have my council [sic] call the State Department, and get you on the "no fly" list, as you are leaving the country to avoid a lawsuit," he wrote. "I can also have immigration contacted to have your passport revoked/reviewed."
To date, all that Page's impotent threats have gotten him is more widespread ridicule.
Perhaps that's what he wants. With Page, as with people like Michael Savage or Victoria Jackson, I'm never really sure if I'm witnessing genuine human brokenness, an extended Andy Kaufman-style artistic endeavor, or a crass grab for attention and/or money. Maybe it's a combination of the three.
Whatever the reason, he succeeds in entertaining us. Who wouldn't envy such a clear fulfillment of a higher purpose?
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