If John Fitzgerald Page Did Not Exist, It Would Be Necessary For The Internet To Invent Him

WTF?

Why are we here? I can't say. I certainly don't know why I am here. I don't know why you are here. It's a big philosophical mystery.

However, I think we can all get behind the concept that some people are here just to entertain us — some by design, some by character.

John Fitzgerald Page is such a man.

Surely you remember John Fitzgerald Page. He's the guy dubbed "the worst person in the world" back in 2007 when he reacted to a rejection on an online dating site with a freakish narcissistic rant. It went down like this: a girl saw John's picture on Match.com and sent him a "wink", he responded with a breathtakingly self-absorbed discussion of himself, and she backed off. John was incensed that she failed to recognize his sheer awesomeness:

I think you forgot how this works. You hit on me, and therefore have to impress ME and pass MY criteria and standards – not vice versa. 6 pictures of just your head and your inability to answer a simple question lets me know one thing. You are not in shape. I am a trainer on the side, in fact, I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!

So next time you meet a guy of my caliber, instead of trying to turn it around, just get to the gym! I will even give you one free training session, so you don't blow it with the next 8.9 on Hot or Not, Ivy League grad, Mensa member, can bench/squat/leg press over 1200 lbs., has had lunch with the secretary of defense, has an MBA from the top school in the country, lives in a Buckhead high rise, drives a Beemer convertible, has been in 14 major motion pictures, was in Jezebel's Best dressed, etc. Oh, that is right, there aren't any more of those!

Regards,

John

Ladies! What a catch!

Anyway, John became the butt of internet-wide ridicule, and widespread exploration of his hilarious IMDB entry, his hideous fashion choices, and his general social dysfunction. He milked it for every nanosecond of his fifteen minutes that he could before slipping beneath the waves of inane net chatter into damp, douchey obscurity.

But you can't keep a good demented attention whore down. John Fitzgerald Page is back with a vengeance — and he's angry.

Why?

Because some 19-year-old called him out on a scam.

See, Page has parlayed his vast Industry experience — ranging from playing an uncredited "Bookstore Patron" in Halloween II to playing a waiter in Van Wilder: Freshman Year — to open a rather alarmingly creepy modeling agency. If you are a profoundly unlikable narcissist with a crippling charisma deficit and an ego more inflated than the Elephant Man's ball sack, that's probably a great way to communicate with attractive women in ways that don't culminate in you being maced. Anyway, some 19-year-old model-wannabe sent a reply-all to his weekly email to his client list, pointing out that Page was simply cutting and pasting previously published casting calls.

Page didn't like that. So he indulged in hilarious legal posturing giving them three increasingly dire options and a deadline.

1) APOLOGIZE. I need a full, heartfelt, detailed apology, which I will send to all affected talent. You had nothing to lose by working with me, and everything to gain. If I made you $100 this year, you were up $100!

OR

2) Pay me $1000 settlement EACH by Sunday at midnight. This is to make up for commissions lost today and in the future, by you actively revealing my business sources to my talent. And your attempt to damage my reputation, question my intelligence and reduce my talent pool. Also, my name or my business name is never to cross your lips again.

OR

3) On Monday, I will begin the legal process to sue you both for the sum of $100,000 for defamation of character, libel, slander, current and future loss of income & talent pool. I will probably win an out of court settlement from you for $10K each pretty easily, based on the emails you each wrote that I have forwarded to my counsel.

. . .

My legal team is prepared, I expect to hear from you ASAP about which option you want to explore. You stood your ground as tiny mouse against a cat, now that you recognize that cat is a mountain lion, maybe you will come to your senses.

Page further threatened the 19-year-old that he would pursue her to the very end of the world, and that the fact she would be traveling soon did not matter:

"I can have my council [sic] call the State Department, and get you on the "no fly" list, as you are leaving the country to avoid a lawsuit," he wrote. "I can also have immigration contacted to have your passport revoked/reviewed."

To date, all that Page's impotent threats have gotten him is more widespread ridicule.

Perhaps that's what he wants. With Page, as with people like Michael Savage or Victoria Jackson, I'm never really sure if I'm witnessing genuine human brokenness, an extended Andy Kaufman-style artistic endeavor, or a crass grab for attention and/or money. Maybe it's a combination of the three.

Whatever the reason, he succeeds in entertaining us. Who wouldn't envy such a clear fulfillment of a higher purpose?

Last 5 posts by Ken White

10 Comments

9 Comments

  1. Andrew  •  Jul 8, 2010 @11:43 am

    Gawker and Popehat. Two great tastes that taste great together.

  2. David  •  Jul 8, 2010 @11:47 am

    From which recesses of your turbulent mind do these metaphors spring forth? In any event, I find myself constrained to point out that Joseph Carey Merrick's case of Proteus Syndrome (aka Wiedemann's syndrome, not to be confused with his common misdiagnosis of multiple neurofibromatosis, aka Von Recklinhausen's disease) left his scrotal demesne entirely unmodified.

    You must be thinking of some other bag of holding.

  3. Al  •  Jul 8, 2010 @11:56 am

    Is it wrong that I'm hoping he tries to sue you next? I mean, come on! Some of this has to be libel and/or slander, right?

  4. Reuven  •  Jul 10, 2010 @4:47 pm

    At the risk of having him sue me, my hypothesis is that he's not quite sane.

  5. Rich Rostrom  •  Jul 13, 2010 @12:44 pm

    I think maybe your reference to the "Elephant Man" was a confused recollection of elephantiasis, which can have this effect. (Warning: not for the squeamish.)

  6. mojo  •  Jul 14, 2010 @1:19 pm

    Sheesh.

    It was a joke, folks. It doesn't need to be technically correct, it just has to be funny.

  7. SPQR  •  Jul 14, 2010 @4:16 pm

    But it was the funny that caused the nit picking …

  8. Jason  •  Jul 14, 2010 @8:06 pm

    His genius IQ and Ivy League schooling still allows him to confuse "council" with "counsel" in the context of this threatening communiqué.

  9. Marli  •  Jan 18, 2011 @1:30 am

    He attacked me repeatedly when I applied for one of his jobs that he didn't see me as "fit" for. I had no idea who he was at the time or would have NEVER sent it in.

    I submitted (as a 22 year old actress) for a 25 year old position (because I can reasonably play 25 years old).

    He said to me:
    They want someone 30. Agents HATE submissions that don't fit what we ask for. The children in the ad are 5-13, you would look pretty dumb with a 13 year old on you lap, would you not?

    I have boys applying for girls roles, 46 year olds applying, etc. Just to help you, in the future, only apply if you fit what is asked for.

    Look at this way – do you want 40 year olds applying for your roles?

    Then I called him a jackass and told him I didn't really need his opinon. I had the right to submit.

    So he said:
    APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY! I was nice ENOUGH to point out that YOU FUCKED UP, and even showed you WHY! I put the AGES of the KIDS in the ad! Do you know any 22 year olds with 13 year old kids? You are hearing SUBMIT FOR ANYTHING from TALENT – not from an AGENT!

    I am trying to HELP YOU! I have 100+ gorgeous talent, including MS. GA. You are lucky to get 10 seconds of my time.

    If you don't apologize IMMEDIATELY, I will forward your email to EVERY legit agency in town. Do not EVER talk that way to any agent – we call all burn you in ten seconds. It's called NTBSA – look it up!

    Talent like you makes me want to scream!

    I said I was sorry for cursing, but that he was not all knowing.

    am all knowing – I know all the legits agents in this town and can torch you with all of them.

    I was trying to help you. You can never win – I am the agent, you are the talent. ONE of me, 100 of you.

    I decide who gets submitted and who gets tossed in the trash.

    I tried to help you and this is the thanks I get.

    You only get ONE shot with an agent, and you blew yours big time.

    Some day, you will figure this out. A CD can call me and get 100 people or call you and get one – who will they ALWAYS call first?

    I said I googled him, and he couldn't burn me any more than he could save himself.

    I am glad you read BLOGS and TABLOIDS and GOSSIP! Do you see any actual NEWS with my name on it? I can write you are a fat idiot and put it on my websites – does that make it true?

    Read my acting website and my agency site – I am the creme de la creme of the acting/modeling community in this one horse town.

    Why is it always the fat ones that give me the most trouble? I blew off a fat chick on Match 3.5 years ago and the internet came out of the woodwork. People like you, who have NOTHING on me, giving me a hard time. Girls hate me, because I have standards. Guys hate me because they can't carry my jock.

    I didn't Google you, because you don't mean shit to me.

    You fucked up and applied for a job you don't fit. Why don't you GOOGLE "I fucked up and applied for a job I don't fit"?

    I have never scammed, lied or cheated anyone, anywhere. Find ONE police report, lawsuit, or legit complaint against my business or me and I'll give you a million bucks. Just haters like you, who suck, have no life, are overweight, and have nothing better to do, typing away in their mom's basement. Find ONE human being that says I owe them money or has paid me money to rep them and bring them to my office. ONE. I will hand you a check for a MILLION bucks. Look at my site – I rep 100 amazing looking people, who look nothing like you. Do you think they are all stupid – they have been in Jezebel, Maxim, Playboy, etc. They know who the man is.

    I have the balls to tell people to their face when they fuck up and they can't stand it.

    Do you have an $800 job for 4 hours that I can apply for? Then who is in charge here?

    Why don't you ask one of my 100+ talent if I am legit or not – do you know any of them?

    All the agents in this town talk all the time, if you don't think I can burn you, you are crazy. I am already burnt on the internet, I have the freedom to take anyone I choose with me at any time.

    I didn't respond so that pissed him off, and he threatened me:

    I would remove your CL blog post ASAP and get to working on your own problems – like being 45 lbs overweight.

    Regards,

    J

    He's a grade a douche

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