Instructions For Commenting On The Internet About Political Violence, Threats, and Vandalism

Politics & Current Events

Thank you for registering on our forum to comment on [alleged instance of politically motivated violence, threats, or vandalism].

Please ensure that your comment incorporates at least three of the following themes:

1. This is a false flag/Reichstag fire operation, committed by [political opponents] to make [my people] look bad. You're so credulous if you think otherwise.

2. This [threat/violence/vandalism] against [political figure] means that [previous entirely unrelated threat/violence/vandalism] must have been committed by the same group for the same reason.

3. From this [act committed by individual or small group] we can see that [entire array of diverse but affiliated political groups] is mindlessly thuggish and that their ideas and policies are wrong.

4. You're complaining about this, but what about the time [completely different instance of violence/threats/vandalism] committed by [other group]? Did you condemn that?

5. You just don't understand satire/don't have a sense of humor. [Note: only experts in political rhetoric should attempt to use this in connection with actual violence.]

6. Oh, people in [threatened/assaulted/vandalized group] are such [pussies/whiners/etc.].

7. By [mentioning threats and violence/asking me to condemn threats and violence], you are only attempting to divert attention from [political issue.]

8. [Violence/threats/vandalism] happen when people are angry at injustice, and therefore this [violence/threats/vandalism] proves that [political stance] is wrong and unjust.

9. Yeah, but [Bill Clinton got a blowjob/George Bush started an illegal war/Obama is a Kenyan/Glenn Beck rubs Vicks-Vapo-Rub in his eyes]!

10. Because you support [issue/politician allegedly associated with alleged source of violence/threats/vandalism], you clearly condone [violence/threats/vandalism.]

11. Yeah, well, our Founding Fathers used violence. We used violence to end World War II. Are you saying you hate America and wanted Germany to win?

12. In complaining about [threats/violence/vandalism], you are attempting to chill free speech you disagree with.

13. WOLVERINES!

14. You know who else [eagerly promoted/complained about for his own advantage] violence and threats? HITLER.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Last 5 posts by Ken

15 Comments

14 Comments

  1. gj  •  Mar 25, 2010 @1:39 pm

    Heh. I think I'll be using #13 quite a bit.

  2. Dave (nd)  •  Mar 25, 2010 @1:45 pm

    WOLVERINES!

    I hope you put that on twitter too.

  3. Rougman  •  Mar 25, 2010 @3:00 pm

    Actually, I think I've used all of them in the past 12 hours.

  4. Randall  •  Mar 26, 2010 @5:24 am

    You know who else attempted to chill the WOLVERINES right to free speech? HITLER!!

    Hey, this is easy. Thanks for the handy reference chart.

  5. Al  •  Mar 26, 2010 @6:25 am

    Oh, WOLVERINES are such whiners.

  6. Ken  •  Mar 26, 2010 @6:47 am

    Randall, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you were being satirical, rather than meaning to imply that making fun of or criticizing people is the same as "chilling their right to free speech."

    Because if people who shout WOLVERINES feel that their right to free speech is being chilled by people who make fun of them, perhaps they ought to choose a more appropriate rallying cry, rather than one that associates them with guerrilla fighters. May I suggest CHIHUAHUAS? Or SHY DEBUTANTES?

  7. Randall  •  Mar 26, 2010 @10:04 am

    Ken, you may so assume. And you would probably even be correct, at least in my case.

    Amateur attempts at humor aside, I love this post.

  8. Randall  •  Mar 26, 2010 @10:04 am

    er … referring, of course, to my amateur attempts at humor.

  9. Ken  •  Mar 26, 2010 @10:08 am

    It wasn't amateur. It provoked a "not sure if serious" from me. Well done.

  10. TomH  •  Mar 26, 2010 @10:28 am

    Actually, Randall, it wan't Hitler, it was Stalin or Che Guevara or whoever was the President of the Communists back then.

  11. Chris  •  Mar 26, 2010 @11:17 am

    Prime Minister of the Communists. Only good Americans have Presidents.

  12. AncelDeLambert  •  Mar 26, 2010 @11:27 am

    If anyone uses #11, gently remind them that America DIDN'T DO A DAMN THING except bomb civilians. The war was over before we even came in. The A-bomb was an overblown tantrum committed by the national equivalent of a two-year-old.

  13. Ken  •  Mar 26, 2010 @11:45 am

    That's GOT to be satirical. I'm not going to be taken in twice today.

  14. SG  •  Mar 28, 2010 @4:56 pm

    Cute. I'm sure you feel real smart. But with your seemingly innocent jokes, what you're really doing is undermining all possible political discourse and criticism. Good going there, you freedom-hater.

    Down with the tyranny of satire ! No popehattery !

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