There Is Nothing Wrong With Your Internet.

Oct 20, 2009

By Patrick.

Meta

Do not attempt to adjust your monitor. We are controlling transmission. If we wish to make it clearer, we will bring up the resolution. If we wish to make it softer, we slow it to a standstill. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can roll the image, make it flutter. We can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next hour, sit quietly and we will control all that you read and see. We repeat: there is nothing wrong with your internet. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to… Woopra.

We know everything that you do when you visit this site. We can track your movements and clicks down to the second. We can give you funny names, to aid in tracking you. We know where you came from, and where you’re going. We can (though we’d never abuse this power for evil) even open up scary chat windows on your computer, to let you know that we’re watching you.

We know this because we’ve been beta participants in Woopra, which is hands down the best site monitoring software that exists. It’s out of beta now, and available to the public.

If you have a blog, we strongly recommend Woopra, for voyeuristic purposes alone.

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9 Comments

Woopra

8 Comments

CTrees • Oct 20, 2009 @6:07 pm

For people using the free service… they’re getting this software free, and it’s definitely affecting their blog, so by the new rulings, would not bloggers need to disclose their use, unless they were using the paid version?

Also, hurray for VPN!
Linus • Oct 21, 2009 @7:47 am

Patrick, have I mentioned that I’ve always, always liked you? Well, it’s true. I hold you, Ken, Ezra, and Charles (as well as the others whose names I’ve forgotten due to my own unworthiness) in the highest esteem. In fact, I’d like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Please don’t tell my wife what sites I visit from here.
CTrees • Oct 21, 2009 @8:00 am

Hrm. Upon sleeping on the idea of this software, it seems I’m not being paranoid and constantly using VPN while browsing blogs, and instead sandwiching each blog visit between visits to the weirdest things I can find. Just to make anyone watching wonder.
Dan • Oct 21, 2009 @8:21 am

Turning off JavaScript apparently makes you invisible to Woopra users, per the Woopra FAQ page. Of course, I would never do anything like that, lest I draw the ire of Patrick. We all know what happens when you agitate Patrick (See: Evony / Benjamin Gifford)
Ken • Oct 21, 2009 @8:22 am

Your secret is safe with us, Linus.

Your horrible, horrible secret.
piperTom • Oct 21, 2009 @8:52 am

Behold, the power of Firefox
https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/9609
Lorelle • Oct 22, 2009 @8:46 am

LOL! This is awesome. Can we quote you? Or would that be too much of a conspiracy?

We love the impact on Woopra (we call it the Woopra Effect) when users see what is happening on their site right now, in real-time. Changes so much about what they think, how they plan content and site structure, and open their eyes up to the fact that their site isn’t visited by just friends and family. There is a whole world out there paying attention, even if it is one person from Qatar or somewhere they’ve never heard of. I love it!

Thanks!
Patrick • Oct 22, 2009 @8:54 am

Of course you can quote us. Thanks!