Look, high-profile cases can be intense. The pressure, the glamor, and the excitement can all be intoxicating. Over weeks and weeks of late-night trial prep sessions amidst the litter of take-out meals, repressed emotions can smolder. I understand. I sympathize.

That said, I have to ask the FBI agents out there: in cases in which you are trying to take down members of Congress, can you please stop trying to hump the witnesses? I know that you’re away from your families, and working crazy hours, and that your only other potential outlet is fucking the lawyers, and God knows nobody wants that. But take a cold shower, would you?

Jonathan Turley reports on what I am talking about. Disgraced Frigidaire-banker Rep. William Jefferson (D-Unrepentant Crook) is asserting that his trial was tainted because one of the FBI agents was sleeping with one of the informants who taped conversations with him:

According to the ruling, lead FBI agent Timothy Thibault disclosed June 5, four days before jury selection began, that agent John Guandolo, who served as the undercover driver for the government’s informant Lori Mody, had been involved in a sexual relationship with her.

Turley reminds us that the FBI was up to the same — if you will pardon the phrase — tricks in the notoriously FUBARed Ted Stevens (R — Troughhog) trial, which was basically an extended hypothetical for a law school exam about prosecutorial misconduct:

Among the startling accusations in the statement by the agent, Chad Joy, is that another agent maintained an inappropriate relationship with the prosecution’s star witness. Mr. Joy said his colleague, Mary Beth Kepner, almost always wore pants but on the day the witness, Bill Allen, took the stand, Ms. Kepner donned a skirt, which Mr. Joy said she described as “a present” to Mr. Allen.

Look, OK, I get it. Long hours, high pressure, unscratched itch, yada yada yada. I’ve got the solution. File a motion to change venue to Nevada, and hire hookers for the FBI agents.

Though I shudder for the poor prostitutes who have to complete the federal government’s independent contractor paperwork.

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