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Negotiating Tips From A Country Lawyer

Jul 27, 2009
By .
Irksome

Today's advice on how to bargain like a pro comes courtesy of Mr. Knowledgeable Consultant, who violated the following cardinal rules during our negotiations this afternoon:

  1. When introducing yourself to a negotiating partner with whom you do not intend to form a social acquaintance, particularly if that person represents a party whose interests are hostile to your own, do not inform him that you earned a Ph.D. from Harvard University, and are well-versed in the law, unless this information is actually relevant to the dispute.  Since your opponent probably only attended a state university, he may be a dumb brute too thick to appreciate your educational attainments.
  2. In general, never tell anyone that you are well-versed in the law, even if you are an attorney.  But most especially, do not do this when you are not an attorney.
  3. If you must violate tips 1 and 2, do not boast of being well-versed in the law when you are not, in fact, well-versed in the law, especially as it relates to the subject matter of the negotiation.
  4. Do not "name-drop" famous friends like Gerry Spence, unless you believe that there is a high probability that Mr. Spence or his like will actually intervene on your behalf.  Better still, if Mr. Spence is willing to intervene for you, let him make the introduction by himself.
  5. If you must violate tip 4, make sure that the attorneys whom you believe to be famous, are in fact famous.  And for that matter that they practice in fields relevant to the subject matter of the negotiation.  And in the state where the dispute arose.
  6. Never tell adverse parties, or their lawyers, that you are a "knowledgeable consultant," when in fact your field of knowledge and consultation is irrelevant to the dispute.
  7. When arguing about why the bill you refuse to pay is unreasonable, bear in mind that in certain businesses "hours" actually means "man-hours," and that in those businesses it is indeed possible to bill more than 24 hours in a day, Mr. Knowledgeable Consultant.
  8. Keep the subject matter of the negotiation in mind at all times.  Do not veer off onto tangents such as the destruction of the Pentagon during the September 11, 2001 attacks.
  9. Assume that the party with whom you are negotiating is himself knowledgeable, or act as though you do.  Do not ask your negotiating party whether he knows how the Pentagon sustained structural damage.
  10. When negotiating, do not engage in ad hominem attacks.  For instance, never complain to a lawyer that his client is an anti-semite and a homophobe, unless this is somehow of importance to the subject of your negotiation.  Do not inform the lawyer that "there are limits to free speech," and that "we have hate crime laws," when what you're negotiating about is that you refused to pay a bill for grading and paving surfaces.

If you must violate these rules, bear in mind that the opposing party may advise his client to settle for 100% of the bill, waiving only interest, rather than for 60% as the client originally planned.  And you will look like a fool when you agree to pay that.

Last 5 posts by Patrick Non-White

9 Comments
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9 Comments

  1. Ken  •  Jul 27, 2009 @2:17 pm

    I've learned that the most sociopathic clients are the ones who show me pictures of themselves with famous people the first time I meet them. Hands down, every time.

  2. Patrick  •  Jul 27, 2009 @2:29 pm

    The sad thing is, almost everything he told me is true. He is a Harvard Ph.D., very well known in his field. He does know famous people, probably including lawyers.

    He just refuses to pay his bills on time, or until he's called. I told him that a Gerry Spence would want a fat retainer, up front, to represent a deadbeat.

    As for the anti-semitic homophobe comment, I chalked that up to simple hate. I have no particular problems with Jewish people or gay people, but I hated him with the intensity of a Fred Phelps about two minutes into our first conversation.

    Maybe it's a Harvard thing.

  3. Mike  •  Jul 27, 2009 @2:59 pm

    LOL @ at Mac-using technogeek qualifying as a "country lawyer." Then again, if centimillionaire lawyer Gerry Spence can get away with it, why can't you?

  4. Charles  •  Jul 27, 2009 @3:00 pm

    Respect my universitah.

  5. Scott Jacobs  •  Jul 27, 2009 @3:06 pm

    I'm going to hire a camera crew to follow you people around to document your lives, because you meet some real winners in your day-to-day lives. :)

  6. Patrick  •  Jul 27, 2009 @3:31 pm

    I use Windows on all of my work computers, for the usual work reasons, and both of my laptops (which double as work computers) Mike, because it's a superior gaming platform.

    HORDE 4 LIFE!

    And I know where you live. My neck of the woods is substantially more rural than yours. I'll bet you've never eaten a pig's brain.

    I have, more than once.

  7. Ken  •  Jul 27, 2009 @5:25 pm

    In Patrick's defense, that pig was asking for it. I don't know what that pig's problem was.

  8. Mark  •  Jul 27, 2009 @5:43 pm

    Well, Patrick, can you prove his bills weren't part of the NWO plot to…um… do something bad?

    Think about it.

    PS: Regarding No. 10 – isn't Godwin established law?

  9. Mike  •  Jul 27, 2009 @6:11 pm

    You might know where I live, but not where I'm from. I have a picture of me, as a teen, chilling with four AK-47s. My first concert was the Charlie Daniels band; my second was Hank Williams, Jr. My brother is in prison for a meth-related offense. If that ain't country… well…. you know the rest!