Contact
Subscribe


Can an SUV be Excommunicated?

Apr 27, 2009
By .
Effluvia

I'm wondering because iconoclasm and heresy abound in my SUV, and my efforts to steer it back towards orthodoxy only make things worse, as I've demonstrated before. The thing is, I'm not even sure if my church excommunicates. I suppose as a deacon I ought to know that, but I don't, which is really further evidence of the problem when you think about it. I'm at least relatively certain that I can't personally excommunicate anyone, and my desultory research into whether I am empowered to exorcise has been flat, stale, and unprofitable. But to get back to my original point, I think my SUV is some sort of cursed locus of heresy, because every now and then when I am driving the kids places they nail ninety-five theses of hot-place-bound blasphemy to my forehead. Like this Sunday:

Evan (8 years old): Daddy, I think Jesus was born 2009 years ago.

Abby (6 years old): Nuh-UH! You're making that up!

Me: Well, more or less. A little bit more, actually. More like — uh — 2014 years.

Evan: Wait, what? It's 2014? Oh NO!

Elaina (2 years old): 'ESUS!

Me: No. You're on the right track. We count the years from when Jesus was born. But the count is sort of off, because some monk fu . . . because some monk made a math mistake.

Abby: Like a chipmunk?

Evan: (offended) CHIPMUNKS. CAN'T. DO. MATH.

Elaina: HIPMUNK HIPMUNK HIPMUNK HIPMUNK. Where?

Me: No. Not a chipmunk. A monk, m-o-n-k. Someone who . . . uh . . . writes stuff down. He mixed up the dates.

Evan: Why didn't Jesus tell the monk that he got His birthday wrong?

Me: . . . I'm guessing . . . he didn't want to make him feel bad?

Evan: That's nice.

Me: Anyway, so Jesus was probably actually born in . . .

Evan: WAIT. Isn't Jesus God?

Me: Yeessss . . . .

Evan: But I thought God was God. If Jesus is God, who is God?

Me: Okay, see, that's complicated. Jesus is God's son, but Jesus is also . . .

Evan: . . . an' if Jesus was born 14 years ago, when was God born!

Abby: GOD wasn't BORNED! (rolling eyes)

Me: Right, God wasn't born, God was always . . .

Evan: But was Jesus born? Because Christmas is Jesus being born, right?

Me: (seeing the trap, unable to escape it) Right . . . .

Evan: So if Jesus is God . . . and Jesus was born . . .

Me: Okay, okay, okay, okay, I see where you're going with that. But Jesus is . . . uh . . . just one aspect of God.

[silence]

Abby: I thought that was a bad word.

Evan: Like BUTT!

Elaina: BUTT BUTT BUTT BUTT BUTT

Me: [panicking]: WOW! LOOK! A doggy! Everyone LOOK AT THE DOGGY! HI, DOGGY! [waiving manically at woman walking dog down street, who looks alarmed]

Last 5 posts by Ken

12 Comments
Tags ,

12 Comments

  1. Jag  •  Apr 27, 2009 @9:10 am

    You should have told them that Monk's get a bonus to unarmed fighting.

  2. Chris Berez  •  Apr 27, 2009 @9:22 am

    You could have taken the Nuns on the Run</em rout for explanationi:

    "God is like a clover: small, green and split three ways."

  3. Dwight Brown  •  Apr 27, 2009 @10:15 am

    Or you could have used the 3-in-1 oil example…

  4. Brian Dunbar  •  Apr 27, 2009 @10:52 am

    My kids were spaced out about 5 years apart.

    For which I am thankful for.

  5. something in Latin  •  Apr 27, 2009 @11:56 am

    >> You should have told them that Monk’s get a bonus to unarmed fighting.

    ftw.

  6. Mike  •  Apr 27, 2009 @2:50 pm

    If only we could see the world as children do.

    My theological questioning got me barred from watching Masters of the Universe.

    Me: He-Man is nicer than God.
    Mom: What?!
    Me: There was this episode where a monster was about to fall into a pit. He-Man let him up, and gave him a second chance. God does not give second chances. He is going to toss the Anti-Christ into a bottomless pit.

    And so I went without watching my favorite television show for the rest of my childhood.

  7. mojo  •  Apr 27, 2009 @2:56 pm

    "Now I know why tigers eat their young…"
    – Rodney Dangerfield

  8. Chris Berez  •  Apr 27, 2009 @4:29 pm

    Mike, you were right and your childhood was incredibly unfair. Not only is He-Man nicer than God, he also has a cooler sword.

  9. Mike  •  Apr 27, 2009 @6:16 pm

    Chris: Thank you for recognizing and validating my pain. While my childhood was unfair, at least I can blame everything I don't like about my life on my parents!

  10. lpont  •  Apr 27, 2009 @6:55 pm

    and this is why I have not introduced my kids to religion…it is too darn confusing. I was brought up Catholic and look how I turned out.

    I will, however introduce my kids to the church of Monty Phython's Holy Grail in the next year. I long for the day that my boys chat…."bring out your dead, bring out your dead".

  11. Scott Jacobs  •  Apr 27, 2009 @8:40 pm

    @lpont:

    Do ya one better. I avoided having kids in the first place. :)

  12. Frank H  •  Mar 18, 2010 @1:16 pm

    When our 14 year old (also a swarthy adoptee) was about 3, she learned that "butt" was not the most polite term. We did not know how much she had taken the lesson to heart until we later heard her singing "Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is bottom a dream."