If arguing on the internet proves anything, it's that there is always someone smarter, more eloquent, meaner, or more sarcastic than you are.  I've clashed with betters many times and lost on many fronts, except perhaps for sarcasm.  There I'm waiting.

So as the veteran of more than a few bloody noses, it behooves me to point out that before one lays into personal attacks on an internet master, such as Radley Balko, one should research carefully.  And perhaps one should also avoid hotlinking from the master's site:

Enjoy your Obama dildo.

Via the Legal Satyricon, a highly irksome story about a clash between big retailer Nordstrom and a tiny yoga clothing company that was the first to register a mark that Nordstrom wanted. The story has two morals: (1) incompetence by government bureaucrats can tank your business, and there's not much you can do about it, and (2) if you don't have a huge litigation fund, someone who does can tank your business whether or not you are in the right, and there's not much you can do about it. Hooray for the legal system!

Robert Mugabe, the dictator of Zimbabwe, is having a party:

The list includes 2,000 bottles of champagne (Moët & Chandon or ’61 Bollinger preferred); 8,000 lobsters; 100kg of prawns; 4,000 portions of caviar; 8,000 boxes of Ferrero Rocher chocolates; 3,000 ducks; and much else besides. A postscript adds: “No mealie meal” — the ground corn staple on which the vast majority of Zimbabweans survived until the country’s collapse rendered even that a luxury.

Those who prefer to give in cash, not kind, are invited to send “donations” of between $45,000 and $55,000 to a US dollar bank account in the name of the 21st February Movement, a youth organisation controlled by Zanu (PF) and named after the date of the President’s birthday.

Oh the timing.  This weekend I had a glass of wine with someone who has influence over American foreign policy, real American foreign policy, as in "this 21st February Movement is linked to a state sponsor of terrorism, and therefore its assets are frozen" foreign policy.  We wasted our time talking about Vladimir Putin.  Compared to Robert Mugabe, Vladimir Putin is a knight in shining armor.

Maybe I'll send him an email.

In the latest version of the Governor's budget, one of the threatened cuts is the California Conservation Corps. The state's budget mess is reaching critical status, and many worthy programs are facing grave worries. However, the CCC deserves special merit and protection in my opinion.

The CCC is a spiritual ancestor to the old New Deal CCC program. It is also the oldest program of it's kind in the US, having been around since 1976. The CCC employs over 3,000 people statewide, mostly low income young people who don't have a lot of other choices. They do hard labor environmental work all over the state. CCC crews help with fire prevention, trail maintenance, erosion prevention and other crappy grunt work all for minimum wage. Their motto is "Hard work, low pay, miserable conditions … and more!" Many of the veterans of the CCC go on to jobs in Parks & Wildlife or Forestry. Not the usual job path for gang bangers or drop outs.

Now, I know I am lonely around here as a New Deal Democrat (and I am likely biased since I got to know a great group of New Deal CCC veterans back in time in Americorps – I still have one of the original hats from the 30s!) but this seems like a $17 million no brainer. It employs thousands of "difficult" employees, does yeoman service all over California and instills a sense of service into the young people that art part of the program. Plus the program is bipartisan enough that Jerry Brown (who created the CCC) and Pete Wilson joined the 2 other living ex-governors to write a letter to save the CCC. I'm writing a letter as well, and I encourage you to do the same.

Courtesy of the Smoking Gun, I see that a judge in New Jersey has dismissed a defamation suit brought by several women featured in the satirical work Hot Chicks With Douchebags. The women — depicted in pictures, and thus accused of being some of the "hot chicks" at issue — complained that their reputation has been harmed and their emotions tormented by the authors' unauthorized use of their pictures. The earnest Superior Court judge of New Jersey — a locale that skeptics might say is a hub, even an epicenter, of the very douchebaggery depicted in the book — engages in a thoughtful First Amendment analysis, concluding that the book is clearly satirical and therefore not defamatory.

As always in such cases, the joy of the opinion is in seeing staid and stodgy legal analysis applied to something very unserious. Witness, for example, the judge's musings on what a reasonable person would or would not believe that Jean-Paul Sartre said, and whether a reasonable person would accept that Johns Hopkins has a Department of Scrotology.

Is self-described fitness guru Michael Torchia, who has announced plans to file a class action lawsuit against Nintendo over the alleged dangers of the Wii Fit, on a mission to protect fat people from injury?  Or is he just trying to extort a few bucks from a competitor?

You be the judge.

Torchia feels Nintendo is misrepresenting their Wii games as a replacement for sensible exercise and sports activities. He believes that Nintendo needs to issue a warning that these games are intended for entertainment and not to replace actual physical activity. Through slick advertising campaigns and product placements on popular television shows, children and adults are being brainwashed that Wii games are safe and effective ways to become physically fit.

"On the contrary, Nintendo is contributing to the epidemic of obesity. Young and old are putting away their gym clothes and shying away from going outdoors to play sports, because the addictive appeal to the Wii game products. Just as the tobacco companies created such a false image of their products and hid the potential dangers, so is Nintendo," says Torchia.

Torchia feels not only that the Wii Fit's alleged health-dispensing qualities are overrated, but that the Wii itself is a positive menace, citing an unsourced statistic that "up to ten people a week" are hospitalized due to inappropriate Wii exertions.  And he's retained counsel to sue Nintendo, on behalf of all who have suffered damages, or perhaps just failed to lose weight, due to its nefarious marketing.

But leaving aside Torchia's hysterical comparison of Nintendo to R. J. Reynolds, and the economic losses he may have sustained as a result of Wii Fit's astonishing popularity, would removing the Wii from shelves in fact make overweight Americans safer, or is this just another Vitamin Water suit? Has anyone actually been deceived? And does Torchia honestly believe that people who would use a videogame for exercise will turn to personal fitness trainers and jogging, if only the WiiMote is removed from their chubby fingers?

Or will they just play Xbox instead?

We have three quick hits, things I've found amusing or of interest, in place of a substantive post this morning.

First, an adorable illustrated primer for children on the use of the internet:  "Do not stop to think or edit.  You must be the first who said it!"

Second, from Stingray at Atomic Nerds, a story about how to deal with unwanted marketers (warning: contains language which may offend the pigmentally challenged, as well as "little people").  Atomic Nerds also joins our blogroll today.

And finally, a gallery of World War II era propaganda posters from the United States government.  Most focus on the need for rationing and secrecy on the home front.  I wonder how long it will be before we see similar but more sophisticated internet-based efforts focusing on the need for stimulus and spending.  Or are we seeing them already?

Hats off to the physicians, nurses, and hospital staff at Lutheran Medical Center in Wheat Ridge, Colorado, who treated the first known case of Marburg fever, a disease strikingly similar to the even more deadly Ebola, in the United States.  Hats off to the patient as well, who survived a disease that has a fatality rate in excess of 80%.

While Marburg and other hemorrhagic fevers caused by African filoviruses are not considered airborne, they do break down the body so fast that the patient coughs blood profusely, which, given the character of the disease, makes it one of the most terrifying in the world.  The book to read is The Coming Plague, by Laurie Garrett, which details this and diseases equally frightening.

And no, we're not about to undergo a Marburg epidemic.  The patient was infected while exploring a bat cave in Uganda.  Still, walking into the same room as a Marburg patient takes about as much courage as walking into a room full of plutonium, or zombies for that matter.

Alternative title: "I would have guessed he was a Democrat."

Jonathon Sharkey is a politician. He's not exactly mainstream, though he has run for many positions in several states, including a run for governor in Minnesota, which is notoriously tolerant of weirdos. But now he's run into some trouble. Did he fail to pay taxes? Solicit sex in a toilet? Finance an affair with campaign funds? No, I already said he's not a mainstream politician. Pay attention, dammit.

Jonathon Sharkey — who considers himself a vampire, and calls himself "The Impaler," and would like for you to call him that as well — pestered Buffy the Vampire Slayer, basically.

The criminal complaint says he was running for president in 2007 when the 16-year-old Rochester girl wrote a message of support on his MySpace page. She told police they began dating online, and the threats began when she tried to break off the relationship.

She told police that "in a desperate attempt" to get him to leave her alone, she had e-mailed him that she was a member of an elite vampire hunter society and that continuing their relationship would put him in danger. Her father told police he talked to Sharkey, but Sharkey continued to call the girl and write letters to her parents.

He was charged with felony harassment and two misdemeanors: coercion with a threat to inflict bodily harm and coercion with a threat to expose a secret or disgrace.

. . . .

Sharkey was supposed to appear in court here in August, but got a delay by saying he had been hurt in a pro wrestling match.

. . . .

The complaint says Sharkey told a Rochester police sergeant who called him last August that he was a vampire "who needs to drink human blood for strength." It says he referred to the Rochester girl as his wife and princess.

Let me just say this: in my career I have encountered many stark raving crazy people. Some were pro se litigants. Some were lawyers. Despite yielding to the temptation on several occasions, I have never found success in this young lady's strategy of shaping a crazy person's behavior by indulging their delusional structure. It just gets them more worked up.

Meanwhile, Sharkey is posed to build an alternative party for folks who want to keep government off our necks:

The Vampires, Witches, and Pagans Party was founded by Sharkey in 2005. It is officially recognized by the United States Federal Election Committee.[14]

The Party advocates protection of the religious beliefs and political advancement of individuals identifying themselves as vampires, witches, pagans, demons, Satanists, Wiccans, and those professing similar lifestyles and religious views. Their campaign slogan this year is "Impale George Bush."

Ideally I'd like to see every political party advocating the protection of the religious beliefs and political advancement of Satanists, Wiccans, and those with similar religious views. However, as to people self-identified as vampires — or, to use my term for them, the poseferatu — I think that our present political parties are sufficiently blood-sucking, untrustworthy, somnolent during the day, and difficult to kill off.

Via.

Should Michigan congressman Peter Hoekstra, the ranking minority member of the House Permanent Select Committee on Intelligence, have his security clearance taken away?

Or just his Twitter account?

A congressional trip to Iraq this weekend was supposed to be a secret.

But the cat’s out of the bag now, thanks to a member of the House Intelligence Committee who broke an embargo via Twitter.

A delegation led by House Minority Leader John A. Boehner , R-Ohio, arrived in Iraq earlier today, and because of Rep. Peter Hoekstra , R-Mich., the entire world — or at least Twitter.com readers—now know they’re there.

“Just landed in Baghdad,” messaged Hoekstra, a former chairman of the Intelligence panel and now the ranking member, who is routinely entrusted to keep some of the nation’s most closely guarded secrets.

Among other secrets, Hoekstra was asked to keep his own presence, as well as that of other representatives in Baghdad, a secret.  To guard against little things like assassination.  Now if Pete Hoekstra wants to get his own fool self assassinated, I suppose that's his business.

But it doesn't seem fair to the soldiers and security personnel who are supposed to guard him that he's broadcasting their movements to the entire world, now does it?  If Al Qaeda and the like didn't follow Congressman Hoekstra's Twitter account before this weekend, it's a safe bet that they do now.  Not to mention Russia, China, and Iran.

Here are some other insights Mr. Hoekstra shared over the weekend:

Headed home!Situation in Iraq improves significantly.Afghanistan poses challenges!Lots of stuff to talk about when I get home Monday late pm

Love twitter critics.Spelling mistakes. Sorry but riding in poor light, bouncing around,speed not accuracy. Lighten up. Its called twitter

Moved into green zone by helicopter Iraqi flag now over palace.Headed to new US embassy Appears calmer less chaotic than previous here.

All entries [sic].  Now I could take a cheap partisan shot at Mr. Hoekstra, reminding readers that in 2010 he'll be campaigning for promotion to chairman of the House Intelligence Committee on the grounds that Republicans appreciate the need for secrecy and security.  But that wouldn't be fair, as I'm quite sure that there are Democrats every bit as loose-lipped as Hoekstra.

Still, perhaps it says a lot about how far things have come in Iraq, that a sensitive visit to what was once one of the most dangerous places on earth is now a fit subject for tweets, like a junket to Paris.  So I'll suggest instead that both parties, and America, might be better served if Hoekstra and his like were moved to positions better suited to their talents, such as the House Select Committee on Naming Post Offices.

Via StarSpangledHaggis.

I've now lost 15 pounds on this diet, which consists mostly of eating portions calculated for wee folk. So rather than gorge, I can only dream of gorging. If I want to torture myself, I might visit a spot like This Is Why You're Fat, a repository of gustatory excess. Enjoy. Really, I'm perfectly satisfied having a bowl of lawn rather than the Double Bacon Hamburger Fatty Melt.

Previously I blogged about Thomas Mundy, a serial litigant who uses the utterly broken mechanism of disabilities law to shake down businesses for cash. Mr. Mundy recently lost a case against a local Del Taco franchise. Today, the franchise's lawyers issued a press release with a few interesting details, including the fact that the jury only deliberated for 18 minutes before finding unanimously against Mr. Mundy, and that today the trial judge ordered Mr. Mundy to pay over five thousand dollars in costs to the franchise. The judge was not a fan of Mr. Mundy: in the attached order he characterizes Mundy as a "professional plaintiff looking to make a quick buck rather than see purported barriers to access removed," and notes that Mundy's testimony was not credible in several respects. (Mundy claimed at trial that the reason he went to Del Taco with a camera was not to gather evidence for a lawsuit, but because he had been taking pictures at the beach; the court found this was not credible.) However, the judge found — almost certainly correctly — that he lacked authority to award attorney fees to Del Taco, and that the injustice of the situation would have to be addressed by the Legislature — or, perhaps, by a vexatious litigant proceeding in some future case.

So Mundy pays over five grand as a penalty for a failed shakedown. That's just the cost of doing business for him — he reportedly makes more than $300,000 per year. In a more just system, he would be liquidating his assets to pay Del Taco's attorney fees.

Via the consistently fantastic Religion Clause, I see that a relatively high-ranking British diplomat has been charged criminally because he had an outburst at the television set at the gym.

Middle East expert Rowan Laxton, 47, was watching TV reports of the Israeli attack on Gaza as he used an exercise bike in a gym.

Stunned staff and gym members allegedly heard him shout: 'F**king Israelis, f**king Jews'. It is alleged he also said Israeli soldiers should be 'wiped off the face of the earth'.

His rant reportedly continued even after he was approached by other gym users.

After a complaint was made to police, Mr Laxton was arrested for inciting religious hatred through threatening words and behaviour and bailed until late next month.

The maximum penalty for inciting religious hatred is a seven-year prison term or a fine or both.

Now, if a diplomat is unable to watch the news without bursting into a venomous and profane tirade about some national or ethnic group, then I think his superiors ought to worry about whether he can competently represent the nation.

But criminal charges? Please. Laxton wasn't addressing a mob. There was no likelihood of imminent violence as a result of his explosion. In fact, the available evidence is that people were offended and asked him to stop. And now he will be widely shunned and ridiculed and will lose all credibility as a diplomat and have to get a job at the BBC's Middle East desk. That's exactly the right sort of consequence for this sort of speech — response speech. Charging him criminally for hateful speech — when that hateful speech has no rational connection to imminent lawlessness — does nothing but threaten to transform this gym-rat lout into some sort of martyr. Fire him (because such conduct shows him unsuited to diplomacy and useless as a representative), roundly condemn him, humiliate him socially. But prosecute him for words? Nonsense.

If I were able to stomach its Everquest-era interface, lag, and boring game mechanics, I would still play Eve Online, the third largest massively multiplayer online roleplaying game after World of Warcraft and Warhammer Online.  But I can't, so I play Warhammer instead.  Still, stories about the game, in which roughly 250,000 players compete as star pilots in one online galaxy, do make for good reading.

Last week, the game topped itself.  Oh, it's already produced one of the most famous internet heists ever.  It's already seen the net's biggest multiplayer battles of all time.  Now, it's produced a story of skullduggery and deception worthy of, well, not Shakespeare, but certainly John LeCarre, or at least a virtual internet spaceship John LeCarre.

For years, the player alliance known as Band of Brothers has lorded it over the rest of the game, fighting and winning wars of aggression and conquest, and generally behaving like weenies in a way that only the most successful and entitled internet star pilot nerds can.  Imagine the Comic Book Guy from the Simpsons, at the head of an all-powerful space armada.

No more.  After years of battling a more numerous but less experienced coalition of even greater nerds from the Something Awful forums, Band of Brothers is no more.  Vanished overnight.  And all it took was one act of treachery from a spy within BoB's own ranks.

Truly this is one of the most epic stabs in the back, over the most meaningless stakes (control of an online galaxy), that you'll ever read about.

What sort of monsters would abduct an 8 year old girl with Asperger's Syndrome, chaining her and leading her away from her friends and family?  You can tell where this is going.

Yes, the police.  And her teachers.

The mother of an 8-year-old autistic girl who was arrested after a scuffle with her teachers said it was horrifying to watch her daughter be led away in handcuffs from her northern Idaho elementary school.

Police in Bonner County, Idaho, charged the girl, Evelyn Towry, with battery after the arrest Friday at Kootenai Elementary School.

Even though prosecutors dismissed the case Tuesday, the family is considering legal action against the school. They say their daughter was physically restrained to the point of causing bruises and is now tormented by memories of the incident.

I'll bet she is.  Asperger's is a "high-functioning" form of autism, characterized, in place of the truly bizarre behavior that often accompanies autism, by mere inability (without intense training) to understand group dynamics, social rules, and an inability to distinguish physical contact that is appropriate from that which is not.

In this case, Evelyn Towry's Asperger-induced transgression was that she did not wish to remove her "cow hoodie" (a white hoodie with ears and black spots) before joining fellow students for cake at a party.  So the teachers restrained her and isolated her.  There is no indication, at all, that Evelyn's fellow students objected to the cow hoodie.  No, the individuals behaving like children here were Evelyn's teachers.

And, as Scott Greenfield points out, the Bonner County police, who when called to arrest this 54 pound menace to society, charged her with battery and led her off in handcuffs.  An adult, to say nothing of a responsible policeman, might have exercised his discretion, not, as Scott suggests, to avoid arresting Evelyn, but to tell her teachers to grow the fuck up, give the girl her cake, and don't call again unless it's a Columbine.

Sadly for the Towrys, if they wish to sue on Evelyn's behalf, the odds don't look too good right now.  We've invested teachers with such authority, in the name of protecting children, that they can get away with the sort of misconduct that would get anyone else arrested.