We just got an estimate to have a contractor refurbish one of our two bathrooms. It’s not like a bus station or anything, but it’s rather worn. I was a little shocked at the price.

Clearly, I am not cut out to be Secretary of the Interior.

If Sen. Ken Salazar (D-Colo.) is confirmed this month as interior secretary, he’ll have a snappy, scarcely used bathroom in his fifth-floor office, thanks to Dirk Kempthorne, the outgoing secretary.

Seems Kempthorne spent about $235,000 in taxpayer funds renovating the bathroom a few months ago, which included installing a new shower, a refrigerator and a freezer and buying monogrammed towels, department officials told our colleague Derek Kravitz.

I can certainly understand the monograms. It’s impossible to concentrate on federalizing land and mishandling Native American trust funds if someone keeps taking your washcloth.

Now to be fair, about half of that money went towards replacing aging plumbing. But that still makes it about $120,000 to remodel one man’s private workplace shitter. That’s nearly ten times what we were quoted for our bathroom, and three kids have to share that, none of them too careful with their toilet habits. Of course, Republican politicians have recently taught us not to be too narrow in our thinking of what sorts of things we should do in bathrooms.

Apparently Dick’s design philosophy was that form follows function, where the function in question is “look at purty stuff whilst on the can.”

But department officials say much of the money was spent on lavish wood paneling and tile. Among the choice items found in the new bathroom: wainscot wood panels extending from floor to ceiling and cabinet doors revealing a working refrigerator and freezer.

I would support a law that says that a citizen’s counsel can call upon any member of Congress or agency head to a meeting once per quarter, and make them explain what they spent money on, and if they have to use a word like “wainscotting,” you’re allowed to shoot them right there. The government has to haul away their body and everything, if you ask. There would be a special number to call.

But wait — the government has determined that Dick did not wrong.

An initial investigation by the department’s inspector general, Earl B. Devaney, found no wrongdoing on the secretary’s part because the GSA had approved the project.

Yes, that’s terribly soothing.

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