Suffer the Velociraptors to Come Unto Me

Dec 23, 2008

By Ken.

Humor, Life

A theological discussion, conducted in my car on the way to day care this morning.

Dramatis personae: Me, 39, Evan, 7, Abby, 5, Elaina, 2.

EVAN: Daddy?

ME: Yes, Evan?

EVAN: How did Jesus get rid of the dinosaurs?

ME: . . . I beg your pardon?

EVAN [impatient]: How did JESUS get rid of the DINOSAURS?

ABBY: Yeah!

ELAINA: ‘SAURS!

ME: What do you mean, get rid of the dinosaurs?

EVAN: Weren’t there dinosaurs around once?

ME: Yes . . .

EVAN: And didn’t they used to eat people until Jesus came, and then Jesus came and got rid of them?

ABBY: YEAH!

ME: [stunned silence]

EVAN: . . . or something like that?

ME: No, son. The dinosaurs were gone long before Jesus.

EVAN: I thought Jesus got rid of the dinosaurs.

ME: You’re thinking of the moneychangers, and the people who sold doves.

EVAN: [openly incredulous] Doves?

ME: Never mind. Daddy was joking.

EVAN: Jesus didn’t save us? I thought Jesus saved us.

ELAINA: SAVE!

ME: NOT. FROM. DINOSAURS!

EVAN: What did Jesus save us from?

ME: Sin.

[dead silence]

ABBY: And that’s why Santa brings us presents?

ME: No, it’s . . . you see, Christmas is really . . .

ABBY: Jesus wants us to be good. Like Santa.

ME: Jesus does not want us to be like Santa.

ABBY: No, I mean Jesus and Santa want us to be good.

ME: Oh. Okay.

EVAN: Will Jesus get very angry if we’re not good?

ME: Uh . . . Jesus will be sad.

ABBY: Will he get a headache, and have to go lie down?

EVAN: Jesus doesn’t want us to be mean!

ELAINA: MEAN!

ABBY: So no fighting!

EVAN: Jesus says no punching!

ABBY: Jesus says no SPITTING in the FACE! PTUI PTUI PTUI!

ELAINA: [laughs uncontrollably]

ME: I think you guys should talk to Pastor Kristen about this.

Edit: If you liked this, you might enjoy some of my prior Christmas adventures with the kids.

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kids, Religion

9 Comments

astonied • Dec 23, 2008 @12:11 pm

LOL! My kids think that I lived amoungst the dinosaurs when I was a child.
(Report comment)
David • Dec 23, 2008 @12:18 pm

EVAN: I thought Jesus got rid of the dinosaurs.
ME: You’re thinking of the moneychangers, and the people who sold doves.
EVAN: [openly incredulous] Doves?
ME: Never mind. Daddy was joking.

EVAN: Jesus didn’t save us? I thought Jesus saved us.

A classic within a classic!
(Report comment)
KipEsquire • Dec 23, 2008 @12:47 pm

I think Elaina was the big winner in that round.
(Report comment)
Dave • Dec 23, 2008 @1:01 pm

That’s awesome:

(Report comment)
Dave • Dec 23, 2008 @1:01 pm

Ug. Was supposed to be:

ABBY: Jesus wants us to be good. Like Santa.

ME: Jesus does not want us to be like Santa.
(Report comment)
Grandy • Dec 24, 2008 @11:13 am

Dagnabbit, I mis-posted my comment. But you missed a great opportunity to get the kids some quality role playing time here!
(Report comment)
Jag • Dec 29, 2008 @12:53 pm

I actually had a theological discussion with my increasingly argumentative 4.11 year old last night:

Me: Go to sleep. You’re tired.
Him: No i’m not.
Me: Yes you are.
Him: You’re not god. You don’t know me.
Me: ….
Him: Only god knows everything.
(ok, I may have been caught off guard at this point having been traveling for about 12 hours)
Me: I’m your father. As far as you are concerned, I am god.
(Report comment)
louise • Jan 8, 2009 @11:35 am

I was laughing so hard I nearly fell off my chair. Sounds like elders in the making!
(Report comment)
Ken • Jan 8, 2009 @11:37 am

I’m pleased that you are here, Louise, but please don’t tell Grandma about the blog. I’m pretty sure I’d get shunned based on about 90% of the content, and the other 10% would kill her.

(Report comment)