Aw, you got pathos in my schadenfreude!

Seems as if Alberto Gonzales is having some trouble landing a job at a big firm the way he hoped:

Despite those credentials, he left office last August with a frayed reputation over his role in the dismissal of several federal prosecutors and the truthfulness of his testimony about a secret eavesdropping program. He has had no full-time job since his resignation, and his principal income has come from giving a handful of talks at colleges and before private business groups.

“Maybe the passage of time will provide some opportunity for him,” said one Washington lawyer who was aware of an inquiry to his firm from a Gonzales associate. “I wouldn’t say ‘rebuffed,’ ” said the lawyer, who asked his name not be used because the situation being described was uncomfortable for Mr. Gonzales. “I would say ‘not taken up.’

Lawyers are great at phrasing like that. For instance, you might not know that “document retention policy” usually actually means “rigorous schedule for destroying documents as soon as possible.” In that sense, I’m sure they are keeping Alberto’s resume on file.

Alberto, my ex-AUSA partners and I really feel badly for you. I think we have a paralegal position open.

Asked about reports that law firms have not taken up feelers from Mr. Gonzales, Robert H. Bork Jr., a corporate communications specialist and his spokesman, said Mr. Gonzales was talking to many people about the next steps in his career. “He is considering his opportunities in law and business,” Mr. Bork said, “but after many years in public service he is considering his options carefully.”

Mr. Gonzales, I have two suggestions about your public relations specialist: (1) see if you can hire one who can spin a little better. This one sounds as if he’s having to stick a fork into the back of his hand to keep himself from using the phrase “stink of death.” (2) If you’ve been tainted by your association to inappropriate the political firings of prosecutors, you might want to avoid hiring Robert Bork’s son as your PR guy. Hiring partners have a notoriously underdeveloped appreciation for irony.

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