Still laboring over that 9th Circuit brief, but wanted to bring your attention to an example of college student douchebaggery.

The child of a colleague has elected to attend UC Berkeley. Despite that, this is a very nice and personable kid, who will go places.

The people who wrote the following email, regrettably, will probably also go places by virtue of being Berkeley students, despite being irredeemable touchholes.

Apparently a group called “Berekely Liberal Student’s Union” — which I am assured is well-known, despite being unknown to Google — is distributing a “five most dangerous conservatives” list. Seriously, if this banal shit is what it takes to be on an enemies list these days, I have to conclude either that college conservatives have become feeble or college liberals have become whiny fucking crybabies.

My colleague’s kid made their list. I have edited the names, because I felt like it.

The Five Most Dangerous Conservatives at UC Berkeley

Who will be pushing the vast right wing conspiracy this coming year? The Berkeley Liberal Student’s Union has your guide to the conservative big wigs on campus. They represent a variety of student political, religious, and academic groups, and present a great threat to your freedoms of speech and thought!

Uh oh! Are these going to be censors? Totalitarians? People advocating expulsion from Cal for criticizing the war or wearing sandals?

Well, not exactly.

1. Joe Blow

As president of the Berkeley College Republicans and chairman of Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week, Mr. Blow certainly needs neither an introduction or justification for being number one.

This is the dog-ate-my-homework of activism: “the reasons this person is bad are so manifest that I need not list them.” [Nod sagely, toke.]

2. Susie Homemaker

Susie, vice president of the Berkeley College Republicans and head of external relations, is in charge of their more vicious attacks on Berkeley’s liberal community. Her recent exploits include campaigns against the Berkeley City Council’s votes against the Downtown Berkeley Marine Corps recruiting center and in favor of Code Pink. He complaint in the ASUC Senate against vandalism of BCR property unfairly cost Cal Dems funding for a semester, although some wonder if she did not act herself. She may be small and quiet, but she is the muscle behind BCR’s involvement on campus.

My God! She rallied against the Berkeley City Council for saying that Marines aren’t welcome? That sort of free speech is fatal to the free speech we like! Also, let’s accuse her of some Reichstag shit without evidence. We’ll maintain plausible deniability through atrocious sentence structure and double negatives. And she’s small and quiet! She should be large, loud, and hairy! Heretic!

3. Myron Oy

As co-president of Berkeley Hillel, president of the Israeli Action Committee, and fundraising chair for Students for Israeli, Myron is a fixture in conservative campus circles. He is responsible for behind the scenes work with Berkeley College Republicans in many of their events, as Berkeley Hillel cannot overtly sponsor political events. We have heard that he has illicitly directed Hillel and Israeli Action Committee funds towards such events as the Berkeley College Republicans’ Islamo-Fascism Awareness Week. He is also a contributor to The Patriot and a member of Berkeley’s Right to Life club.

Did we get enough Jew code words in there? JewJewJewJewJew! And my God, he writes for a conservative paper and is pro-life! What more do you need to show he is a danger to the community?

4. Mortimer Snerd

A WASPy Hitler youth who shies from the limelight, Mort is involved in both conservative student and academic circles on campus. He is an undergraduate fellow for the Foundation for the Defense of Democracies, a Washington-D.C. based neo-conservative think tank with ties to the Bush Administration. He is also involved in UC Berkeley’s anomalously conservative Institute for International Studies as a researcher on energy and geopolitical issues (…war in Iran, anyone?). He is also a member of the Berkeley College Republicans, a writer for The Patriot, a VP in the Greek system, and Newman Hall regular. Can you say quintessential rich, white, college Republican?

I can say that, Moonbeam, but it’s even better if I let you shriek it for me. Wow! A Hitler youth! What makes him one? Well, I can see how you’d think that. I mean, everyone knows how the Hitler youth were always hanging out at think tanks. Jews would walk down the street and the cruel Hitler youth would whip out position papers and grant applications and stuff and talking-point them mercilessly. And to think that happens at Berkeley now!

Plus he’s a “Newman Hall regular.” In case you aren’t familiar with Berkeley, that means he goes to a Catholic church. That’s right, these assholes are putting him on an enemies list because he attends church regularly.

5. Cathy Craze

Cathy, president of Berkeley’s Right to Life and Students Against Legalized Abortion, is responsible for the horrid demonstrations against abortions that mar our campus every so often. She often works in the background, but is closely allied with Berkeley College Republicans and Berkeley Hillel in her work. She is involved mainly with abortion issues, but that is certainly enough to keep to vile. Also a Newman Hall regular.

Well, I can see how an organization like yours that is so devoted to defending freedom of speech and thought would hate someone who is responsible for demonstrations marring your campus. And she’s another churchgoer! What would Mao say?

Maybe mocking the losers who wrote and circulated this is mean-spirited. But I can’t resist. Their thinking represents everything that’s small and stupid and crass and shitty about political activism. They’re the mirror image of the Mitt Romney quote Ezra cited a few posts ago — frothers who think that if you disagree with them in any particular than you are an enemy dedicated to the destruction of all that is good and holy. Ultimately they’re moral and intellectual cowards, infuriated that different viewpoints exist in their preserve. Plus, they’re either completely blinded by cannon or plain fucking dumb. How can you write that intro about threats to freedom of expression and thought, and then the rest, and not feel a twinge of cognitive dissonance?

How am I different than them? I do not view them as a danger; I view them as deeply silly. And I don’t want to silence them. I only want to mock them.

Fortunately, despite having devoted 21 years to viewing Cal students as weenies, I firmly believe that a majority of them will receive this, roll their eyes, and regard BLSU as the sad little pus-crusts they are.

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