The celeb rumor of the week, reported withvarying degrees of seriousness, is that Britney Spears is adopting a child or children from China.Um, no. Let's not be too gullible, please.

First of all, she's not 30 yet, so she's not eligible. Also, she's no longer married. If she were to get married again, she'd have to wait five years, since she's had a divorce. (There is no specific rule that "and ten years if your last spouse was a moronic backup dancer", but there should be.) Also, she's going to have some trouble with this:

Both partners must be physically and mentally fit, with none of the following conditions:

a. AIDS;
b. Mental disability;
c. Infectious disease that is actively contagious;
d. Blind in either eye;
e. Hearing loss in both ears or loss of language function (those adopting children with hearing or language function loss are exempted from this requirement);
f. Non-function or dysfunction of limbs or trunk caused by impairment, incomplete limbs, paralysis or deformation;
g. Severe facial deformation;
h. Severe diseases that require long-term treatment and that may affect life expectancy, including malignant tumors, lupus, nephrosis, epilepsy, etc;
i. Major organ transplant within ten years;
j. Schizophrenia;
k. Severe mental disorders requiring medication for more than two years, including depression, mania, or anxiety neurosis;
l. Body Mass Index (BMI) of 40 or more

She's got two or three of those going, at least. How many exactly? Only her Valtrex rep knows for sure. Oops, and then there's:

Neither partner may have a significant criminal record, and both must have a history of honorable behavior and good moral character with no evidence of:
a. Domestic violence, sexual abuse, abandonment or abuse of children;
b. Use of narcotics or any potentially addictive medication prescribed for mental illness;
c. Alcohol abuse, unless the individual can show she/he has been sober for at least ten years.

I doubt Britney can prove up sobriety for ten minutes. Finally, there's the big-picture item:

The prospective parents must demonstrate the ability to provide a warm family environment capable of meeting the needs of an orphaned child and providing for her/his development, and an understanding of the special risks (including potential diseases, developmental delays, and post-placement maladjustment) that could come with inter-country adoption.

Unless they've got a child whose needs are "to be raised by a on-her-fourteenth-minute circling-the-bowl party girl with the judgment and self-discipline of a lobotomized goat and parenting skills that make Medea look like Mary fucking Poppins," then she's out of luck.

I've made Britney a punchline, which I suppose is mean. But the rumors are part of a trend of making international adoption a punchline — an inevitable consequence of celebs pursuing it.

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