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[rerun] God Needs To Install An Autodubber

Oct 24, 2007
By .
Humor, Reruns

Allow me to begin with the proposition that God is omniscient and omnipotent.

So if the USA Network can dub "Yippi Ki Kay, Mr. Falcon" over Bruce Willis, surely God can rig some sort of autodubber. He wouldn't have to bother to be everyone at once; He could just hang back and let the Celestial Autodubber do everything for Him.

The Celestial Autodubber should replace the phrases listed below with the phrase "I am a festering jackhole, and…." Ideally the CA would replace it with an irritating voice (such as that of Fran Drescher, or Gilbert Gottfried) at a higher pitch and volume than the actual speaker, for emphasis.

The spoken phrases to be replaced are as follows:

"I know this is none of my business, but…"
"I don't mean to be rude, but"
"I know it's not politically correct to say, but…"
"I don't have anything against black people/women/gays, but.."

There are lots more.

Plus God could use the CA to reward His faithful. If you lived a good life, and loved your neighbor as yourself, you could petition him and say, "Please, Lord, when George Bush is talking, could I hear the voice of James Earl Jones reading the speeches of Winston Churchill?" Or "Please, Lord, instead of the voices of the clients on the attached list, could I please hear the voice of mid-century barritone Cesare Siepi singing popular arias from Mozart operas, except Idomineo, which I have never cared for?" And if God saw it was Good, He would program the autodubber to do it.

The CA could also promote the virtue of honesty. God could set it to reflect the tone of voice and phrases that we actually mean, rather than those we use. You know when the wife says oh, sweetheart…. and she actually means, "Oi, fuckstain! Pay attention"? There would be truth in communications.

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